The mind that holds the ideals should have the hands that serve.

We are very fortunate to be in daily Satsaṅga. This not only inspires me to be better, to implement the sattva in my life but when I slip, it lifts me up. When I really fall, it hits me in my head like the hammer of moha mudgara.

The guard rails of sattva are slowly becoming concrete. So the life flows through that. I am becoming more and more reflective and many actions are now intentional.

I still find myself swimming and occasionally drowning in doership and deservership.

The mind says-

“Oh! I did so much work every day. I am in pre 6 am club. I do my Vitamin R3 like everyday, I wake up early to cook Indian meals for my inlaws( have health challenges and living with us); packing kids lunches before they leave for school, cooking fresh meals for them daily; active engagement in their teen stuff/ high schools, guiding college applications etc, cleaning, grocery ordering, Full time profession, keeping up my admin work for physician organization” ……. Blah blah . Something that most of us as householders do( many may be doing lot more than me) yet after the mind (like a villain) claims this thought process, the deservership sets in !

So later in evening it feels that I deserve to be rewarded and so I indulge with hot cup of ginger tea in -How to get away with murder or Marcella or Informer and such. The tamas of Netflix and Prime takes over.

I fall in the trap. I allow myself too for a bit. Then guilt sets in. I’m wasting time. My obsession with time makes me feel even worse. I have ingrained in my mind that the time not used wisely gets taken away!

Then I lament that each moment spent not in His remembrance is a wastage. I tell myself that I could easily be reading Vivekji’s notes or reviewing Atma Bodha or Drg Drishya Viveka.

Though I am trying my best to flow between the guard rails of sattva, sometimes I’m almost at the edge tethered with the only frail thread of sheer longing of Him.

I know that slowly the deservership is becoming slightly satvik if that’s possible ( it’s still a play of ego) when my rewards are not Agatha Christie books, Netflix, Prime but Vivekji’s classes. I look forward to those too with excitement which tells me I’m not a lost cause.

Yes, donating to local food bank this week!